just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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