it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
