Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
