I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
