the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
