How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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