Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
