her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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