I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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