i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
