i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
