Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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