I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cockslap morals
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
