I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
