Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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