So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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