I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
3 2 1 whiskey
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
