I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
