Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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