is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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