I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
