Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
