I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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