One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This baby is an asshole
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
