I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You are a genius and a whore.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
