it hurts more in the daytime
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
