So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
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He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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