The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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