you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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