So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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