I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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