Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
