You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
