A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.