We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
