Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
