my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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