I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
