i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
