you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
