8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I could fuck to npr.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
