He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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