I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
