I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
