I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
