Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
