I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
