My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
