The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
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I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
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your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
the liver wants what the liver wants
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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