K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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