There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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