actually, I'm a sock model
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
