Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
