how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The adults are the big ones right?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
