Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
